This and That

So I have two days off of work after a crazy weekend :) Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is my holiday to work so I won't be able to spend it with my family. However, I have so much to be thankful for including the fact that I have a job. My goal is to make tomorrow as pleasant as possible for my patients. I'm sure they hate the fact that they are spending the holiday on the hospital.

So Kristen came home yesterday. We watched So You Think You Can Dance. I'm not that impressed with this season to be honest. Got up this morning, did some TurboKick, picked up my dress from the tailor for Amanda's wedding, discovered the necklace I needed for the dress is missing, did the dreaded pre-Thanksgiving Day chores, and went shopping with Kristen. Not too exciting. Oh yeah, and worked on my paper...ugh.

Things that I like about this week:
I tried a Mocha Frappe from McDonald's and it tastes wonderful! Paul had me try it and it is just as good as Starbucks, if not better.
I got two days in a row off work to get things done.
I started my Christmas shopping.
Amanda's wedding is Friday and I am so EXCITED for her!
Zach is coming down for the weekend :)
The Christmas season is about to officially begin.
I saw New Moon with some girls from Bible Study :)
Had a sort-of argument with Zach that ended up turning into a really good conversation about a lot of things we needed to talk about.

Bittersweet

I had another wonderful weekend with Zach. He actually suprised me Thursday morning by calling me and telling me to look downstairs where he left a beautiful bouquet of roses on the front porch. He was supposed to come down Friday night, but came a day early totally suprising me :) I love the time I get to spend with him, though it always goes by too quickly. All to soon, we're saying goodbye yet again. I am ready for the time when I don't have to stand on the sidewalk waving goodbye as I watch the man I love drive away. Lately, I'm missing him all the time. Not just in waves, knowing that I'll see him again in a few weeks. But it's a constant feeling, a feeling that a part of me is truly missing. I'm so happy to have him in my life, even if this period in our relationship isn't so fun right now. Kinda bittersweet, I guess. I know I'll probably look back and smile at the way I got so excited to see him and the anticipation of spending the weekend with him. He understands me in a way no one else could. And the fact that he still loves me when sometimes I act completely crazy...yes, I can be completely irrational and emotional sometimes, hard to believe, I know! ;)

Things I am happy about:
I have started the final paper in one of my classes.
I have the next three days off to get homework, Christmas shopping, and other errands done.
Zach is going to be inducted in the Men's GVSU Waterpolo Hall of Fame! (I am so proud of you!)
I love my Maybelline lip gloss that's not all goopy like most are.
I have Bible study with the girls tonight. Makes me look foward to Wednesdays.
I bought the Winter candle from White Barn...thanks to Mrs. Heathman who got me ADDICTED
to this one. I think I have her to blame for the Pumpkin Spice one too! lol
I got to see my sister last week.

Things I am bummed about:
I haven't seen Vanessa in far too long! I need my bestie!
I have to write a final paper! lol
Not getting to see Zach this weekend.

The Plague

So I had to work the weekend while feeling absolutely terrible! Twelve hours on your feet is pretty tough thing to handle when you just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping. I tried wearing a mask for most of Saturday but then on Sunday it just too difficult to breathe with a mask on too. So I wheeled my COW (Computer On Wheels) around with my own bottle of hand sanitizer and then preceded to disinfect every surface I touched. I felt pretty silly...but o well, better safe than sorry in spreading the "plague". Thankfully, my coworkers are wonderful and made the day a lot better :) So I came home, my wonderful mom made me some chicken noodle soup, and then proceded to sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I feel much better now:)

Things I like about today:
Vick's Puffs are the best invention for sickies like me! I will never go back to regular Kleenex
again!
I got to sleep in. (Probably way later than I should have)
I got an A- on my first graduate school paper.
I finished my sepsis module in under 3 hours.
I got to talk to Zach for the first time in three days.
I lit my candle and began the Christmas season by updating my Christmas playlist...i MUST get
the new Chris Tomlin Christmas CD!

Oh darling I wish you were here

I can finally see that you're right there beside me

I am not my own, for I have been made new

Please don't let me go

I desperately need you

I am not my own, for I have been made new

Please don't let me go I desperately need you

Filthy Rags

Why do we stop short of the incredible vision of radiant, set-apart feminity He desires to showcase in and through our lives? Because we don't truly grasp our utter helplessness; our absolute desperate need for all that He is. We don't understand that apart from Him, we have nothing, we are nothing, we can accomplish nothing. We are still looking within ourselves to find beauty and strength that can come only from Him.

We don't possess anything beautiful or worthwhile in and of ourselves. "We are all like an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; we all fade as a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away." Isaiah 64:6

"If a soul has any beauty, it is because Christ has endowed that sould with His own, for in ourselves we are deformed and defiled! There is no beauty in any of us but what our Lord has worked in us." (Charles Spurgeon) We are unworthy. Our souls are dirty. True repentance starts by acknowleding those facts. We are defiled and tainted. We are utterly unfit to bear His name. But it's not about our worthiness. It's about His.

The God of the universe, the Author of all that is good and lovely, passed by me and saw me in my wretched, hopeless condition. He was not attracted to my beauty or goodness because I had none. I had absolutely nothing to offer Him. I was ugly and helpless, drowning in the blood of my own guilt and condemnation.

Only he can trasform that into something of beauty.

That's My King

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzqTFNfeDnE

This was a video shown at church that I found especially powerful. It's so easy to lose sight of the big picture, which I have to admit that I have been guilty of lately. I know my relationship with Christ isn't always a feel-good, emotionally charged experience where you feel close to Him all the time. I defintely don't feel that right now. But I realize that a God-centered life isn't about how you feel, it's a choice. I choose Him, even when I don't feel like living it, when I think He doesn't care, when I think I am too busy. He chose me, he died for me. My life only exists to bring Him glory. It doesn't matter what I accomplish, in the end, it honestly doesn't matter. I just have to remember the bigger picture and not let what I feel at the moment sway me. Thank God for his mercy and bringing great people into my life to point these truths out.

It's a lot easier to build our lives around the pursuit of wordly applause and selfish pleasure and just fit Christ in somewhere on the side than to radically pour out our lives in sacrificial devotion to Him. Amy Carmichael says it best "What is the secret to great living? Entire separation to Christ and devotion to Him. Thus speaks every man and woman whose life has made more than a passing flicker in the spiritual realm. It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts."

Paper Tigers

I hate feeling unsure and helpless to do anything about it. Doubts creep in and cause me to question things I had been so sure of. It's so hard to confront it head on when all I want to do is run from it. How long do I wait? I just don't know what to do.

Heart pounds
To the sound coming after me
Step back
What is that?
It's a mystery
Is it something
Probably nothing
Still I find to scare myself
'Till I remember
This all feels familiar
And I know better

They are only paper tigers following me
In the wild imagination of the make believe
And there's a fighter, a survivor, arising in me
I'm not afraid of paper tigers

Night brings creepy things
And I hide away
False fears disappear
In the light of day
The sun is rising
I'm realizing
The only thing to fear is fear itself
Now I am certain
That my beast of burden
Isn't worth a worry

...I'm not afraid
And I won't run away from paper tigers

I want you to know that waiting isn't the hard part, that I can do. It's the uncertainty that scares me the most.

I have been...

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unweary
And I've been undesirable

Sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of you and all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
I've been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware, I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see the sacrifice you made for me
To show that I have never been unloved.


This is exactly me. At this moment. Completely unworthy, unqualified, unsure, and undecided. Through it all, there is One thing that never changes amidst my many shortcomings. It's a humbling realization.

Never Far Away

Another mile down the road
Another mile from my home
At times I feel quite alone
Cause you know all there is to know
So hold my heart as it's breaking apart
And I hold yours in mine

You're never far away
From me

I close my eyes and try to see
See you right in front of me
As if you're only in my dreams
But you are everywhere and in between
You're the moonlight
In the dark of my night
And you shine bright so I can see

You're never far away
From me

You catch my tears as they fall
It's like I never left at all
And all the world feels so small
Cause right now we are high above it all
So hold me close
Don't ever let me go
Tell me what I already know

Moms are Wonderful

This past weekend ended up being a lot of fun. Mostly because I was able to spend time with my mom. We ended up going shopping for almost the whole afternoon on Saturday. I cannot even remember the last time I did this with my mom. We didn't buy a whole lot (partly because I am seriously broke) but it was fun to get her opinion on things and find that we agree on a lot more things than we used to. I am so blessed to have someone who supports and encourages me. I know she would be there for me no matter what. That's the kind of mom I want to be someday. Someone who gives good advice, someone trustworthy and dependable, and that child's biggest fan. Our sermon at church yesterday was on parenting. What stuck me most is that often times parents mold their children into little versions of themselves. When I envision my kids, i see them just like me: motivated, hard-working, academically and athletically successful. But that may not be what God's plan is and I have to conscious about not pressuring my kids to do things they may not be called to do or gifted in. Just something to think about down the road because I can see myself being guilty of making mini-me's. NOT good! :) Random tangent, I know. Well today is gorgeous, I want to go outside and do something fun, but the responsible part of me knows i should keep studying for my NCLEX. What to do?

Four Years Later

I cannot believe how fast these last four years have gone! It just seemed like yesterday that I had packed all my things to move into West B at GVSU (with my mom's last parting words, 'Don't forget the pepper spray!). I was so excited to begin a new chapter of my life. Now here I am again, about to embark on a new journey: the real life. I guess I'm officially an adult now, and I'm not sure I like the feeling. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to move forward, but i can't help but look back. It's like being in a swift moving current: impossible to resist even if you wanted to, you can look back but never go back. I am thankful for the many great friendships and memories. I pray for each of you as you also begin your own journey. I know that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.